“and i said to my body. softly. ‘i want to be your friend.’ it took a long breath. and replied, ‘i have been waiting my whole life for this.’ ”
As I wrapped up preparing for my last women’s circle, in a sort of dreamlike meditative trance, I could hear a little whisper from my soul telling me to turn on a specific song and begin to move my body. This is a pretty common occurrence for me, but I love when I’m led to certain music and don’t yet know the reason why.
Right as I put on this song, which I had listened to dozens of times before, I felt an instant state of ease and flow as I relaxed deeper into myself.
Hands over my heart and belly, I melted into my own little inner world with nothing but my slowing breath, my swaying body, and the blissful beat.
When the chorus came in, chills ran down my whole body and tears began streaming down my cheeks as the lyrics hit me in a different way than they ever had before.
I realized I was singing them straight to my body, like a musical love note expressing my appreciation for her unconditional love and presence throughout my entire life.
Wrapping my arms around my body, I gave her a big bear hug as we slow danced and I sang to her. Tears continued to fall as I embraced the sheer joy and gratitude of this moment, feeling the weight of all the years it took to get right here.
Connected to my body.
Connected to my soul.
Connected to love.
Connected to truth.
This experience wasn’t just a simple song and dance, as it rarely is for me anyway with music being quite literally infused into my spiritual DNA.
It was soul-sourced devotion to this beautiful body of mine being felt in every single cell from my head to my toes.
Singing my deepest commitment to continue to love her, to accept her through all of her ebbs and flows, and to never ever again leave her, which is something I had done over and over again on some level until just a handful of years ago.
Although I’m currently standing in a really wonderful space on my (still ever-evolving) journey today, I actually spent a really huge part of my life feeling immense discomfort in my body. It honestly wouldn’t be too strong of a statement to say that I hated her.
I hated how she looked. I hated how she felt. I hated that I felt powerless to change or control her despite my constant attempts to do so. I hated that I wanted to love and accept her as she was yet didn’t know how or believe that was even possible for me.
As I now celebrate my 32nd birthday, I so deeply embrace this younger self of mine with unending love, compassion, and gratitude.
She had no idea that everything she was going through wasn’t standing in the way of creating the life she desired like she had thought all along, but rather it WAS the way.
The way to love.
The way to magic.
The way to healing.
The way to acceptance.
The way to transformation.
The way to absolutely all of it.
My path certainly wasn’t an easy or linear one. It was long and winding. It was deep and dark. And yet knowing where it led me, I wouldn’t change a single piece of it in the end.
Spending my late teens and most of my 20s suffering with a severe chronic illness that created life-altering and debilitating pain for me in mind, body, and spirit. And throughout the majority of that time, also struggling with a serious lack of self-love and an incredibly poor body image.
When I look back at it all in hindsight, I have no doubt that these deeply painful (and inextricably linked) experiences were divinely placed on my path to awaken my soul and set me on a healing journey that would slowly and yet irrevocably shape the trajectory of my life path.
All of that pain ended up being what led me home to my power and home to my purpose.
It’s the reason why I learned how to create true health, happiness, and peace within myself after so many years of suffering.
It’s the reason why I set out on my spiritual journey, which never would have happened if there wasn’t anything which I needed to find relief from.
It’s the reason why I so strongly and unwaveringly believe in my (and your) ability to transmute the darkest of struggles into the most exquisite light and healing.
It’s the reason why I’m so passionately living my soul’s mission of supporting others on their own healing journey, because I know so deeply what it’s like to be drowning in that unbearable pain.
Learning how to truly listen to, accept, love, and heal this body of mine has been the biggest gift of my life.
She whispered her pain for years and I ignored it. She began roaring and I denied her. And then one day, gratefully and miraculously, I finally stopped trying to fix what I thought was broken within her and decided to actually sit down and listen to her cries.
And as we wept together, I came to the understanding that all my body was trying to do this whole time was lovingly awaken me to where I was disconnected- from her and from my soul- so I could find my way back home.
Her pain was never there to punish me, but rather to deliver the messages my soul needed to communicate and bring me back into alignment with the highest truth of who I really am.
When I began working with her instead of against her, that’s when everything shifted. We became a team and were able to cultivate a real, reciprocal relationship.
One where I ask her what she needs instead of demanding what I thought I needed her to change. One where I show up with curiosity and compassion instead of criticism and control. One where I speak loving and positive affirmations instead of harsh and judgmental words.
After all of these years and all of the healing we’ve done together, I am so proud and grateful to say she has become my best friend and biggest teacher in this world.
She taught me what real, true unconditional love is, always there supporting me even when I didn’t know how to do the same.
She taught me how to be present with all emotions and experiences that arise, knowing I’m capable of facing anything that comes.
She taught me non-judgment and compassion, of her, of myself, and of all that is.
She taught me how to fully embrace my intuition and trust the wisdom she so generously shares.
She taught me how to let go of control and surrender to the unpredictable and ever-changing unfolding of life.
She taught me how to tune in deeper and tap in higher, into the magic and mystery of what it means to be a soul having a human experience.
She taught me that there is always hope and healing available, no matter how bad things get.
And she continues to show up and teach me more and more every single day.
Through both the lowest lows and highest highs of my life, and everything in between, her love has been one of the only constants.
No matter what pain she endured over the years, no matter how many times I tried to control, fix, judge, shame, criticize, numb or abandon her in some way, she was always right here still loving me through it all.
Holding sacred space for my healing, my awakening, my expansion, and my evolution, until I had the capacity to fully show up and hold it with her.
Until I could look at her and say, “I love you,” and truly mean it with my whole heart. Three words that aren’t a shallow affirmation for me, but a daily promise, vow and soul-deep remembrance.
So here I am now as I turn 32, recommitting to listen to and learn from my precious body.
To devote myself completely to her needs and desires.
To feel her as the portal to my highest spiritual truth.
To honor her as the vessel through which I’ve touched the bliss of divine love.
To choose her day after day after day as she’s forever chosen me.
To continue to tell her over and over: I love you unconditionally. I accept you exactly as you are. I am here with you. I’m not going anywhere.
To keep coming back home to her, and coming back home to my soul, again and again and again.
Writing these words, my eyes are filling with tears again as I wrap my hands around myself with such deep love and gratitude for all I’ve gone through and where I am right now.
